The Adventures of the Cats

As anyone who reads Jenni’s blog knows, we have two Siamese cats. I have gathered that they have a recurring adventure while we are gone from the house on our daily routines. You see, being Siamese, they do have strange sounds that they make on various occasions for different things. At night, Emerson will sing about the food. We call it the “Food Is Good” song. Ferrule will stand outside our door early on Saturday mornings and tell us he is there. Each of them has their own call that they make when they are ready to poop – just so we know. Sometimes, when we get home from work, they frantically intercept us at the door, emphatically yelling and yowling at us. On these days, they have had an adventure of epic proportions that goes something like this…

Michael, Jenni, and Isaac had left the house that morning to go to wherever it is they go when it’s lazy sleep time for ten hours everyday. The kitties, Emerson and Ferrule, had just settled into the lounge chair and gotten comfortable for their daily slumber when they were startled by a strange sound. It sounded as though someone was coming in the front door, but the family was not due home for hours. Heidi barked from within her crate. The two cats scurried into the entry hall, where before them stood a sparkling figure. She was like the humans, but only about 3-feet tall. She wore a shimmering dress, and had wings that looked like cicada wings. (mmmmmm, cicadas! *nom, nom, nom*) She carried a wand in her left hand. She spoke to the two cats in a lovely, crystal voice, “Where are your masters?”

“Yeouw?” the two responded.

“Let’s try that again, shall we?” she said as she waved her wand at them. Magical sparkles fell from her wand and sprinkled all over the two cats.

“Ur wandz!” Ferrule giggled, “LOL! It makez me tikklez!”

“WTF?!?!?!!1!” Exclaimed Emerson in response, “U canz talk teh hooman talks!”

Ferrule said, “OMG! Ur rite!” realizing that Emerson was correct, “U kan 2!”

“That’s right!” said the fairy in the hall, “I have granted you Lolspeak so that we can communicate. I’m the Fairy Queen, and I have some good news for your masters. Where are they?”

“Theys all gon 2 wurk rite now,” Ferrule said.

“…2 git teh moneez 2 git teh fud!” Emerson added.

“Oh, I see,” the Fairy Queen said thoughtfully. “Well, they have been chosen to receive The Magical Treasure of the Fairies. Unfortunately, I will have to go back to the Fairy Kingdom soon, and I will not be able to come back for a long time.”

“OH NOEZ!” The cats exclaimed in unison.

“But,” she continued, “maybe I could show you where the treasure is, and then you could tell your masters about it when they get home?”

The cats were very excited by this idea. The Fairy Queen waved her magic wand again, and both cats were able to fly. “Now, follow me and I’ll show you where the treasure is!” Over the course of the day, Emerson and Ferrule saw wonders that cannot be described. They knew that they would haz cheezburgers 4 shur! After a long, and tiring journey, they found themselves back in their own home, saying good-bye to their new friend, the Fairy Queen.

“I have to go now,” she said to them, “but you will tell your masters about the Magical Treasure, and where to find it, right?”

“O ya,” Emerson said.

“We b gud kittehs an tell teh hoomans wher iz teh trezur,” Ferrule said.

And then, the Fairy Queen departed. Even as excited as the two cats were, they quickly dozed back to sleep in their favorite chair, waiting for the return of the family. A little while later, they were awakened by the sound of the front door again. They were so excited, they ran to the door in anticipation. They could hear the key working the bolt. They could hear the voices of the humans as the door opened. As the family made their way in, the two cats were so excited that they couldn’t contain themselves. They pushed into the doorway to meet the incoming people and started shouting the news.

“Meow! Wow! Mowowow!” Alas, it seemed as though their speech had gone away with the Fairy Queen, but that would not deter them. They only tried harder, and shouted louder, “MEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW! NNNNNGGOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWOOOOOWWWWW!” They tried to climb the legs of their masters, as if to say “Why don’t you understand? This is IMPORTANT! Listen to what we are saying!”

Of course, the cats bum-rushing us at the door is completely true. The rest of the story is inferred, of course. When we have this type of situation, we check their food and water, of course. We also make sure that their privies are not soiled. We make sure that none of their obvious needs are neglected, and they never are. They assault us with such wanton force that the rest of the above story is the only remotely reasonable explanation.

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