Ten Things that Everybody Knows about Sci-Fi

This is a list of ten things that everyone knows about Sci-Fi, or should anyway. If you don’t know these things, you need to study and memorize the list in case the aliens attack or something to assure your survival.

1. You can disable or destroy any Artificial Intelligence with a Logic Paradox.
Example –
“You are programmed not to harm me, and you are programmed to do whatever I say. So, I say kill me!”
“Does not compute.”
The AI (robot, computer, whatever) smokes and shuts down.

2. When one piolots a mecha-giant-robot war toy, one has to shout commands as well as operate controls to access it’s unique features/weapons.
Example –
*Pulling a lever with one hand and punching a large button with the other,* “Giant Mecha Robo twin cannon activate. Fire bomb hail storm NOOOOWWWWW!!!!”
At this point, there are extensions that unfold from deep within the machine, seemingly from a multi-dimensional pocket, and blast some enormous blue energy balls that light up the horizon and burn the bad guy to a crisp.
As a side note, here is a questionnaire that will help you choose the mecha that’s right for you!

3. The best way to kill zombies is a heavy blow to the central nervous system. Buckshot from a short-shotgun works really well for this. So does a baseball bat, for that matter. Let’s never forget Magnum revolvers. They take care of zombies quickly and with style. Just don’t forget to make them all head shots or your head may be the next one to go!

4. The extra always dies. This is just a given. If you are “Joe Workman” on your ship, and the Captian, First Officer, and the Security Officer want you to join them on an away mission to the surface of a seemingly serene planet, DON’T DO IT!!! Turn in your resignation and get escorted to the brig for insubordination. Use the example script below as a guideline:
CPT: “Joe, come to the surface with #1 and me.”
YOU: “Uh… No thanks.”
CPT: “That’s an order from a Commanding Officer!”
YOU: “Yeeeeaaaah. You can take your shuttle craft and shove it up your XXX for all I care. I’m not going to that planet. So, XXXX you and your XXXXXXX Federation.”
You can settle on a moon somewhere, raising cattle-like creatures and drinking beer for the rest of your life once you get discharged, but you will be alive. Let some other schmuck do the senseless dying.

5. If you find that you have traveled backwards in time, you will screw stuff up. If television and movies have told us anything truthful, everything will work out in the end, but no amount of being careful will prevent it. Step on a bug, breath in some air, or have relations with your own grandmother – it doesn’t really make a difference. No matter what happens, you WILL make a mess, and it WILL all settle back to normal in two hours or less. Usually, everything will be fine in just under half an hour.

6. The monster will not be dead when it is first apparently so. Don’t let it take you by surprise! If you have been battling the creature in a close struggle for what seems like an eternal string of close calls, don’t get too comfortable when you first smash in it’s carapace and it’s alien guts are spilled out on the floor. It WILL invariably have at least one more come-back attack left in it, no matter how dead it seems. Hard battle isn’t the only strategy to be used against such a menace, anyway. There are many creative ways to rid the Earth of threats.

7. Beware the effects of ratiation! Exposure to radiation can cause grotesque mutation in living creatures, and can animate inanimate objects. If possible, avoid radiation altogether. If it is unavoidable, watch out for such effects!

8. Vampire chicks are always hot and dressed slutty. If you run across a hot chick in a skimpy outfit, don’t turn your back (or your neck) on her. There stands a very good chance that she is a child of the night.

9. The ship’s Captain may wear makeup and get handsey with male members of the crew, but he is NOT gay! Examples: James T. Kirk, Flash Gordon. Tell me I’m wrong here.

10. Alien food is good food! Whether it’s blue Romulan Ale, Klingon blue spaghetti, or blue milk that Luke Skywalker drinks with his family on Tatooine, alien food is basically the same as Earth food with blue food coloring in it. A good rule of thumb is that if it’s not moving anymore, it’s safe to eat. So, eat and drink up!

3 thoughts on “Ten Things that Everybody Knows about Sci-Fi

  1. Re: # 9–You forgot Buck Rogers!

    # 10 reminded me of the old Erma Bombeck classic: “There is no known blue food. If you see blue food, throw it out. It signifies death.”
    Erma Bombeck was SUCH a xenophobe!

  2. Apparently I should be piloting a Gundam RX78GP02-A and bashing with my shield after blasting the enemy a few times.

    And once the battle is done it’s time to celebrate with a nice glass of blue milk!

  3. I’m actually a little disappointed with how few choices they had for the ideal mecha. There are a bunch of series that they could have pulled from. I would have liked to see them take some examples from Godannar and Eureka 7, at least. I mean, if somebody is to bother writing such a quiz, it seems like they would really do some extensive research and do it right. I guess it’s still kind of fun though.

    Buck Rogers? What kind of mecha did he pilot? (J/K, of course. I’m not quite THAT wet behind the ears.)

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