This is a recurring spam message that I keep receiving in my email at work. In this oddly-posed, red-clad, low-resolution picture that I was sent anonymously over the interweb, this Ukrainian girl just looks so cute that I’ve fallen in love at first sight. Whether she is ‘shopped together as a conglomeration from pics of other girls or if she is the real deal, and although I am separated from her by terabytes and thousands of miles of land and ocean (and possibly reality), I regret to inform both of my readers that I can see no other recourse but to leave my marriage in pursuit of TatianaG, my one true love. She’s obviously the only attractive woman in the Ukraine, as evidenced by her picture being the only one that has been sent to me. And, her complete and utter devotion is shown in her persistence of sending me her picture multiple times a day for weeks on end. My spam filter cannot stand between us, and all I have to do is “Click here to sign up (Absolutely FREE!!!)” to be in ultimate bliss with my TatianaG. Each of those capital letters and superfluous exclamation marks say it so well! Sure, she thinks my name is “Dating!” but it says in RED LETTERS that she is waiting for me! On those grounds alone, maybe I should have my name legally changed to “Dating!” (with the exclamation mark, of course) prior to my journey to Ukraine to claim my bride.
Wait a minute… …she was born in 1977 and she’s 29? Oh, she’s one of THOSE girls. In twenty years, she’ll still claim 29, I’m sure. Her body type won’t be so “cuddly” then, and people will be giving me consolation that my 29-year-old wife looks so much older.
Know what, TatianaG? I’m sorry. Beyond the merits of your demure smile and sexy, low-res pic, I’m not sure things are going to work out between us. There’s just no place in this world – virtual or otherwise – for a girl (or possibly a bot) like you and a guy like me. Shh, shh. I know. My heart is breaking as well, but please don’t cry or argue. I know in my heart that there’s a man (or program) out there for you. There’s no reason that the most attractive woman in the Ukraine (allegedly) should spend her life alone. It’s not you – really it isn’t. It’s me. There’s no way that I could keep up with the active, fabulous lifestyle of a web-spider riding Spambot Girl. So, please – let’s make this a clean break. Please stop sending me your seductive picture. My heart just can’t take it anymore. I’ve got a life I need to get back to, and I don’t need your distractions, and there are other inboxes that I’m sure will yield you better results. Truth be told, I will miss you, TatianaG. *sniff, sniff*