Wanted

To both my readers,

Last night, Jen and I watched Wanted. It was a fun, campy little flick. It was evident that nobody in the production of the film had so much as handled a real firearm before in their life. There were so many cringe-worthy mishandlings and safety violations, it was truly embarrassing. Then, there’s the whole ‘throwing bullets in a curve’ deal. Yeah. That was special. They explained it by telling us that the assassins can speed up their metabolisms to the point that they can move unnaturally fast. They fail to explain how this hyper-speeding of organic systems can overcome chamber allignment, barrel rifling, a projectile moving at 800+ feet per second, or, you know – physics. All that being said, it was actually a well-made flick, and if you can get past all of that ridiculous stuff, it is worth the watch. Please don’t run out and invest in the special edition Blu-Ray Disk or anything. But conversely, if it comes on TV, don’t throw a brick through your screen and run screaming out of your house, tearing at your eyes.

Jenni and I have agreed for years that Angelina Jolie is quite the physical specimen. I know that she’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I find her to be a truly beautiful woman. I find it difficult to complain about seeing her trot around in the buff on the screen. If I met her in real life, I’d probably be making a conscious effort to not act goofy. Granted, I wouldn’t forsake my family and run off to Brazil with her given the chance, but she’s a looker, for sure!

Towards the end of the film (and I’ll try not to give too many spoilers here), we see the heroine fall to the floor. I Googled, and tried to find a screen shot of the image in question, but failed miserably in the quest. When she collapses, there is an angle shown where her butt looks – well, kind of floppy. I don’t know if that’s a problem area for the actress, or it was simply a game of poorly-chosen angles, but it really doesn’t look good right there, for only a few frames.

As the screenshot changed, I blurted out to Jenni, “You have a better butt than Angelina Jolie!!!”

“What?” she looked at me like I had spinach in my teeth.

I responded, “Didn’t you see that?”

“OK,” she said, “You better back it up. I’ve got to see this!”

So, I complied. I wound the disk back a few frames and paused it. “See?” I pointed, and made a sound effect, “Boyioing!”

She cracked up, “Well, look at that!”

That really didn’t get me as many brownie points as I thought it would, but it was still fun.

The biggest tragedy with this movie was what I detailed in that first paragraph. The firearms handling and attitude toward shooting in general were flat-out hokey. Anytime some big-shot producer puts out the money to make a shooty, action-esque film, they ought to make sure there’s a firearms instructor on the payroll. There should be someone on the set, during practice and filming that has a clue how to handle a gun, and what they are and aren’t capable of. I know, I know – that would completely eliminate the explodey-head-geyser-of-blood-from-a-9mm screen candy, and it would mean that the characters would be reloading from time to time, if that strikes you as a negative. But, it would portray shooters handling their weapons like they knew what they were doing – and not like some unknowing, Hollyweird, lowfat, half-caf with Splenda latte-sipper. I’m just sayin’

UPDATE:

I was thinking about how disrespectful this post could come across, so I wanted to give a little addendum. My wife is a beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman, and I love her socks off! I am continually humbled at the fact that God put her together so perfectly, with me in mind. I can’t imagine that any other woman would have the patience or energy to come along with me on all of my insane adventures in life. I can’t imagine any other woman even close to Jenni in the looks department wanting to hang around with me. Beyond all that, if there were some such magical woman out there, I’m sure that she would not keep me mentally stimulated – and that one is a biggie! I think Jenni has a great butt (yup, better than Jolie’s!), however the most beautiful woman in the world who can’t keep up in conversation is like an empty eggshell. After eleven years together, we still stay up talking about this or that way too late in the night, just like a couple of stupid teenagers. I would hate for one instant to give anyone the impression that I’m not nutty-in-love with my wonderful wife. And, I would hate to make her mad because she thought that I was being disrespectful to her on the interwebtron. I meant nothing of the sort. OBTW – I don’t know whether she’s read this post yet, but I kind of doubt it.

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