I understand that this weekend, Transformers 2 hits the theaters. I probably could not care less. I thought the original was a steaming pile of crap – fairly typical of Michael Bay films, in my humble opinion (with the exception of The Island which was a glorious fluke containing plot and character development). I have read less than glowing reviews of the sequel. It seems that people who like these movies pretty much only want to see the combined eye-candy of CG-rendered giant robots fighting and Megan Fox strutting her stuff. I think that’s pretty funny, as I don’t think that she’s really all that great-looking. Don’t get me wrong, I guess she’s kind of cute. Her eyes are a little close together and her jawline is a little manly for my taste. These are telltale signs of poor genetic stock the the reptilian corner of my brain. She does have some striking features, but not my style. Thanks anyway. I used to think that she was really stupid, and a terrible actress to boot. Yet, in an interview with Total Film, she was asked what she would do to stop Megatron if she met him in real life. Her response,
make a deal with him, and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?
First of all, Meg – can I call you ‘Meg’? in Middle America, we are not wife-beating, toothless, barefoot, religious zealouts that run around in our lifted 4×4’s looking for queers to beat up. You might be shocked to see how many of us out here aren’t ‘white.’ And, we prefer the term ‘redneck.’ It’s actually quite nice around here. If you had any experience of my part of the country beyond what you read in Grapes of Wrath before you dropped out of high school, you might have slightly less low-brow preconceptions. Yet, I digress.
Meg’s suggestion of sending Megatron here is actually quite sly. and I may have severely underestimated her. Sure, if the Decepticons stick to the big cities, they’ve got a whole bunch of sitting ducks to terrorize. But, if they came to the Midwest, they wouldn’t last half an hour! And yet, that wouldn’t make for a very good movie. We rednecks would give them a good old fashioned, country a**-kicking. If at that point they still didn’t want to play nice with us, we’d escort them off the planet and tell them “there’s more where that came from.” If they wanted to play nice however, they’d probably be welcome to stay for dinner before they went home. So, if you city slickers get in a pickle with any inter-galactic mechanical terrors, just do like Meg says and send them our way. We’ll take care of them.