Dear Random, Shirtless Party Goer…

First off, let me say that the reason I allowed you to continue to flirt with my wife while I was standing right there is that a) I was not in the least threatened by your antics and b) she seemed to have the situation well under control herself. I have my myriad reasons for marrying a capable woman, and this is just one of many examples. Allow me to give you some tips on wooing women in the future, that you may one day have an opportunity to pass on your genetic code, as I already have.

1) If you have to inform someone of how “smooth” and “dead sexy” you are, it’s probably not true. It’s kind of like when a man describes himself as “a good Christian” or when a woman is wearing pants that read “bootylicious” across the seat. If it must be asserted rather than observed, you’ve likely already lost your audience.

2) I won this woman’s heart and made her my wife when you were like nine. Our marriage is old enough to drive. You are closer to our son’s age than you are ours. In case you hadn’t noticed by the way we hung around together, neither of us is exactly “looking,” and we keep each other fairly *ahem* satisfied. It’s obvious to everyone else, even if you didn’t catch it, so be more observant in the future.

3) If you are going to prance around shirtless and announce how “dead sexy” you know you are, you might consider hitting the gym once in a while. If you can’t afford a gym membership, hit up the local GoodWill and pick up a doorway chin-up bar and also do a few crunches. You probably didn’t notice that my abs are clearly visible through my shirt, and I see no need to go without it. It’s okay to not have as much muscular definition, or to have a soft spot here or there, but don’t be in abject denial about it.

4) When you approach a lady and proceed to lay out your “smooth moves,” starting the conversation by describing how you are “working on” another young lady and that you have “stolen” her from your “best friend” is probably a deal-killer straight out of the gate. Your approach was so amusing that we both wanted to see where you were going with this, from the perspective of sheer, morbid curiosity.

5) When you want to win someone’s affection, either platonic or otherwise, it’s best to keep the talk about yourself to a minimum. In fact, you might be better off just letting the other person do the talking and respond when appropriate. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

5) It would not be difficult for me to end you with my bare hands. The next husband you come across might not think your display was so humorous, and may not practice as much patience and restraint. If not for your chances of getting a date, then for your chances of seeing old age, do yourself a favor and leave wives alone.

6) Some people can handle flirting and alcohol. You are clearly not among those. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but something to keep in mind. If you want to get anywhere in the future, choose either flirting or alcohol. You probably don’t realize this, but booze does not make you more attractive nor charming.

7) At the risk of sounding conceited even if she were closer to your age and single, my wife is way out of your league. She said so to me in those words when we were laughing at your expense later at home. Failing my advice on developing your communication skills, drinking habits, and fitness, it might not be a bad idea for you to lower your standards or find girls with low self esteem.

So, as a man who has been happily married to a loving wife for sixteen* years, I leave you with these seven nuggets of wisdom. May they serve you well as you go out into the world. I wish you peace and prosperity, and great success in your future humility.

*Oops! Edited to correct the years of matrimony. It’s been long enough it’s easy to lose count!

7 thoughts on “Dear Random, Shirtless Party Goer…

  1. Actually, I encountered a similar situation back in the early 70’s.

    I was escorting my wife to a Christmas party hosted by the California bank .. who was her employer. We were going through the buffet line when a Bank VP smoothly butted in between my wife and myself. He chatted her up for all of 20 seconds, then put his arm around her waist.

    Belatedly realizing that he had intruded between a wife and her husband, he turned to me and said; “I hope you don’t mind that I put my arm around your wife?”

    “Not at all”, I replied, “… as long as you don’t mind if I break your arm in two places in the next 10 seconds.”

    He found another waist, and I apologized to my wife for being crude. She purred, and said “no, I don’t mind at all”.

    I guess he didn’t remember that I had only been back from Viet Nam for a few months.

    • Oh, I don’t disagree at all, and given Jerry’s situation, I’d have gone there. RSPG didn’t take it to the physical at all though, and made no overt suggestions. Besides that, at the rate the volume was increasing at this party, combined with the disapproving looks from the neighbors, it seemed highly likely that they were going to get a visit from the local constabulary concerning noise violation. I felt like leaving before 10:30 with a low profile was a better goal than correcting some loudmouth turd, at the risk of getting roped into even deeper stupid.

  2. Clearly this lad should have been video taped as an example of how not to dress, act or talk.

    His life purpose is clearly to make other feel better that they are not him.

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