Apparently, the State of Florida is trying very hard to ban these delightful little toys. This is WRONG, and we all need to take a stand against it. Let’s ban together to make sure that no government entity takes away the basic human right to affix plastic testicles to one’s vehicle.
This is a very important coping mechanism for insecure men. Everyone knows that all people have insecurities to some degree, and many men are insecure about the size and functionality of their genitals. This is why so many men can be seen driving Hummers and Ford Excavations, despite sky-rocketing gas prices. Those that are particularly insecure about their bits and pieces have a basic emotional need for this ingenious device which shows that their masculinity resides in their big, powerful, throbbing, truck.
I am no stranger to this feeling myself. It embarrasses me to admit that I am really, really insecure about the size of my genitals. This is why I feel so compelled to wear shoes that make my feet look smaller, and feel compelled to carry the smallest possible devices I can get, like cell-phones, pens, flashlights, etc. It is for this very reason that I like to drive sub-compact cars. Currently, I am driving a Nissan Sentra. This car is a little on the large size for my tastes. When I was driving my early ’80’s Civic, I felt like it made my junk look so small, and made me feel like a more reasonable man. Driving this Sentra, I often feel the irrational fear that it makes my stuff look too big. Often, I find myself in my insecurities asking my wife, “Do these pants make my package look big?” or “You don’t think of me as some kind of three-legged freak, do you?” She has always reassured me that it’s not too big, and sometimes even tells me that it’s as small as an average guy’s stuff. Thank goodness for that woman! Without her, I would feel like some kind of freakish gorilla with a huge mass, weighing me down everywhere I go. Thanks to her encouragement, I no longer feel like everyone is staring at my crotch.
But, I digress. Our society has proved to us that any gains, even in civil rights, are a two-edged sword. When the pendulum swings, it’s momentum will invariably take some unintended casualties. In the case of our current society, the victims have been men. Granted, some are far more insecure than others, but we are the beaten and bruised now. I don’t hear Florida handing out coupons for these guys to go to a psychologist to sort out their feelings of inadequacy. No! They are simply fined for displaying the only coping mechanism that they know that they have at their disposal. If anyone told me that I had to get rid of my 3.5-inch Bullet Space Pen in lieu of a big, long, round roller ball, I would feel like crawling under a rock. Similarly, these gentlemen are being displaced by cruel, insensitive legislation. I can only imagine how their teeny-tiny, limp, flaccid, bruised and beaten egos must feel right now, having their only source of security taken away from them.
I know that there are others out there that feel the way I do. If you are a man who is insecure about his masculinity, one way or the other, or if you are a woman who is close to a man who has these feelings, I want to hear from you. Please comment on this blog entry. If you feel like you need to remain anonymous to protect your identity, nobody will judge you. I am here for you. There are millions of us that are here for you. Together, and only together, we can make a difference, and make sure that men can one day be secure with exactly what God gave us. Someday, we will stand up tall and proud and say, “This is my junk. It works well, and I’m proud of it.” It will take all of us, and today is the day to make our stand.