BEFORE THE ADDRESS -

OK. First of all, it’s a quarter till the speech comes on. I only thought it fitting to watch on Fox. I mean, come on, right? So, anyhoo… It’s so freaking rare that I ever watch anything broadcast, it’s such a novelty that I turned on the TV ten minutes ago.

American Idol is on. What kind of ***t is this?!?!?!???!? I know that some people electively watch this garbage, but it’s seriously mundane! How could someone consciously subject them to this unless they are waiting for the next show to come on in twenty-five minutes? (Please, please don’t answer that.)

All the ’singers’ sound the same. I mean – THE. SAME. I know that there are styles that come and go, but be they men or women, boys or girls, they all sound EXACTLY the same! When they find out that they are going to Hollyweird, they flap their wrists in a frenzy as they fan away their tears. WTF is that?!?!?!

I mean they all that that little ‘Awawawawawa’ trill in their voices. If I had EVER and I mean EEEVVVEEERRRR performed any kind of music like that in my lifetime, I would have wound up with a teacher’s foot in my a-hole. The girls sing low, the boys sing high… Come to think of it, pop music hasn’t really changed much in the last twenty-five or so years…

I kind of like commercials as rarely as I ever see them anymore. Hyundai… *Well, that news girl is kind of hot – in a square-jawed, bite-it-off sort of severe way.* AI is back. She’s wearing PINK eyeshadow. I think her shorts are wider than they are long. Did I go to sleep normal and wake up a Puritan or am I just getting old in my non-TV-watching way? *This chick is TERRIBLE!*

The British dude is mean. She was bad, but she wasn’t abusively bad. Yeeeeeaaaahhhh… Melissa is getting drunk tonight. I bet she gives it up to the first dude that shows interest. That’s just sad. Simon! That’s his name!

Yup. This is tarded – all over again. I’m really ready for this crap to be over. But, this cancer chick is wearing a cute skirt. So, do they always show you some underdog that you have to feel sorry for on this God-forsaken show? Leukemia. Is that how that’s spelled? I feel compelled by her singing, but I know that it’s only that I feel sorry for her. Well, and she’s not doing the ‘Awawawawawa’ thing so much. Crap. They’re going to send her. Not even Simon was mean to her. Yup. Predictable.

I can honestly see why people watch this garbage. Leukemia girl is going to Hollyweird with all the other ‘Awawawawwawa’ losers! Yay! So, there’s a commercial break, and I need to put the kiddo to bed. Now that I’m all geared up for shallow, glitzy shows of formulaic showmanship, I’ll be ready for the teleprompter’s state of the onion address! BRB!

THE ADDRESS -

Okie dokie. I’m baaaaaack! I got the kid in bed, and got my booze refill. Tonight, it’s Fighting Cock. Never heard of the stuff before, but it’s cheaper than the regular stuff and it just sounds redneck. On the tube, they’re showing all the politicos, commontatos, stuffed shirts, and talking heads. You know, we should ship all those people to another planet along with all the telephone cleaner type people so we can get on with life.

Oh, oh! Here HE comes! *clapping* *commontation* “mumble, mumble” Apparently, there’s not teleprompter in the crowd. I think I heard him say, “Hey, hey, hey!” Wow! What an orator! I shouldn’t get judgmental yet. He’ll give me plenty of ammo before this is over…

Unrelated note – I’m missing buttons. I was going to link ‘Fighting Cock’ to the Fighting Cock website, fightingcock.com, but I don’t have buttons! That’s weird! I’ll have to check and see if my wordpress installation is jacked up or something…

*Shaking hands* *clapping* *waving* “Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” “Thank YOU! Thank you.” *San Fran Nan introducing* *clapping* *clapping* “Thank you.” *clapping* You know, the first ten minutes could have been skipped. I just got to see Leukemia Girl and Terets (sp?) Boy sent to Hollyweird.. Oh, he’s reading his teleprompter!

*Stating the obvious…* *Trying to sound ironic…* *Citing history…* *Talking about Civil Rights…* *Speaking of the American Way, in a roundabout way, trying to claim some sort of credit…* *Trying to sound like Reagan…* *Blaming the last guy.*

I think it’s funny that he’s talking about how much debt we WERE in when he took office. That’s actually really freaking hilarious! “One in ten people can’t find work” That’s me, Mr. Obama! I’ve decided to make my own work! Tee hee! *he KNOWS our struggles and anxieties!* Ooooooooooooo! *He’s touching our hearts and appealing to our emotions.* (He doesn’t know this robot very well…) Now, he thinks he knows what we want and feel, and what we’re tired of. What he doesn’t realize is that we are just tired of hyper-leftism. Let’s get rid of big government, and I think we’ll all be happier.

Crap. I’m going to have to take a break. I’m only fifteen minutes in, and the kybard is about to catch on fire. His voice is making me try to misspell! BRB. “Never more hopeful about this nations bla bla bla than tonight.” *clapping* “Despite…” Srsly, BRB.

Well, I stepped out during the ’saved or created’ bit, and bit my tongue, and came in to clapping. Now, he’s talking about how he’s going to shore up small businesses. I’m not impressed. Tax incentive for businesses to develop new stuff. Yeah. He’s now talking New Deal crap. If a 60-year-old accountant loses his job, he’s not going to go to work building a highway. I’m not going to go to work building a new highway. That’s not my skill set. He’s talking about building up blue-collar labor. Gobama. I guess. “Werr gonna give these jobs to Americans,” he says. Or, the teleprompter says, anyway. “Who is pulling those strings?” I wonder.

He’s demanding a bill. He better not claim ’saving or creating’ my job. That’s all I’m trying to say. He’s again blaming the last administration.

That’s a lot of gray hair that wasn’t there this time last year. This job is killing our Undocumented Commander in Chief. I’m shocked at all the yes-men cheering in the crowd. They must have cherry-picked them. He’s making more promises he can’t deliver on. That kind of exemplifies this administration. “I’m going to make sure that everyone has affordable, high-quality healthcare. Watch me turn this water into wine.” Bla, bla, bla…

Blaming the former administration again. That’s getting really old. Blaming financial institutions. Nancy Pelosi looks like a cross between Golum and a chimpanzee. Joe Biden must have gotten botox this week. I think both of them did, actually. Now he’s talking about free energy and curing cancer. Nope. He’s not a megalomaniac. Not at all. “More jobs. Clean jobs. Green jobs.”

So much for Valentine’s Day. I’m sorry, Jenni. I wanted it to be something special. So much for that. It looks painful when Joe and Nancy smile. I expect their faces to crack off behind Teh One!. “Overwhelming scientific evidence on Climate Change.” Except for the fact that it’s not getting any warmer. And, the fact that the ‘evidence’ is apparently fabricated. But, we’re going to fix it anyway! And, we’re going to export! Even though they don’t WANT our goods. We’re going to DOUBLE our exports, apparently! –to other countries that don’t want our crap. –with a new committee! –seeking AGGRESSIVELY! Oooooooooo!

We’re going to make sure our trade partners play by the rules! *giving the camera the ‘loser’ symbol* We’re going to invest in skills and education. Does that mean that he’s going to re-educate me? NOW, they’re only going to reward success. No longer is this administration going to reward failure. NO MORE!!!!! *clapping* Now, he’s prattling about the success of our children. We better shore up their success, since they owe a f***ing LOT OF MONEY!!!! Money for schools! *yes-men applaud standing.*

$10,000 towards college? ZOMG! That pays for BOOKS! Yay! If you go into the bureaucracy, you don’t pay for skoolz! Now, he’s feeling the middle class through the Biden. “Biden mad! Biden smash!” Now, we’re talking about refinancing.

Yes, we’ve had some bank sending us threatening letters saying that we need to refinance. But, we’re the RESPONSIBLE people. We bought a modest house at a good interest rate, and we’re getting letters saying that we need to refinance. They word it like we aren’t in compliance. But, I digress…

He didn’t choose to tackle this issue ’cause it’s good politics. Healthcare, healthcare… *close up of the first Klingon bride* “She gets embarrassed.” I would too, Barry. I would too. They’re going to bring down the deficit by ONE TRILLION dollars over the next two decades! OMG!!!11!!!! If they could do three times that in the next three years, that would put us back to before the dumbass got elected!

Now, he’s talking doomsday if we don’t do what he says. Too bad he doesn’t have an actual doomsday device to hold us ransom. Healthcare, healthcare… He’s claiming that the doctorses and nurseseses like his plan. He’s saying that he’s open to other ideas. But, we know how this administration treats alternative ideas. *clapping, oh the mindless clapping…* “massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves” …yeah, after spending like no administration since Ramesis II. (Still blaming the last administration.)

(Still blaming the last administration.) “BS, BS, BS, BS…” (still blaming the last administration.) Now, he’s acting like he feels for us commonfolk serfs again. Now, he’s going to freeze federal spending for three years, except for all the programs. Now, they’re going to go through the budget line by line, page by page. (not like they have for the bills past.) (Blaming the previous administration yet again.) “Bi-partisanship.” I really hate that word. It’s the new Washington buzz-word. (Blaming Bush again.)

NOW, he’s a proponent of pay-as-you-go. I wonder where that was in the first year… Now, he’s misrepresenting AND blaming the previous administration. NOW, he wants to try ’something new.’ I thought that was the bullet-point of his campaign. Then, it was just Chicago-style, deep-dish politics, right? But NOW, NOW – it’s going to be something new. That’s what he came to Washington to do. He waited a year to do it… He’s excluded lobbyists from his club (except for the ones he liked – then, he dropped the rope ladder for them).

Now, he’s urging for bi-partisanship, “Democrats and republicans!” Lather, rinse, repeat. Now, he wants transparency in spending. He said that we’d get that a year ago, but he says we’re going to get it now. What shall we get? “Now… …I’m not naive.” No, you’re a bastard child of an American teenage whore in Kenya. Oops. Did I really just write that? Now, he’s trying to go buddy-buddy with the Repubs by “speakin’ to both parties now.” No more grudgeses! Letz just pass all teh billz taht Nancy wantsez too! *nearly whispering* He’s trying to change the tone of American politics here.

Notes the Democratic majority. Addresses the Republicans and gives a guilt trip. He’s going to have a ‘meeting’ with all of them. No doubt, he’ll make them run the gauntlet and then do a keg stand before he’ll let them go home. Better bring your lube, Repubs! It’s going to be a rough ride. *Close-up of that dude named Janet Neopolitan – or whatever his name is* Who would name their son ‘Janet’ anyway? Now, he’s talking about all our boys dying overseas. And, how we’re going to finally send more soldiers to finish the job! We’re going to come together in London – finally! Whew! He finally inspires confidence!

As a candidate, he said he was going to end the war. Some years later, he might actually – that is his promise. We’re going to partner with the Iraqi people to end this war – just like we have been for several years now. The military brass don’t seem impressed, but the yes-men applaud standing. At long last, Obama will sign for more resources for the military. Our troops are going to come home from Iraq so they can go to Afghanistan instead.

What the hell is Michelle wearing? It kind of looks like a purple theater curtain… He’s comparing himself to Reagan again… Now, we’re going to be the leader among the countries and we’re going to punish those that don’t obey us. He accuses the right of things, and then he claims that’s exactly what he’s going to do. WTF is that? (Don’t make fun of him for saying ‘HIV-Aids.’ That’s the way it was written on the teleprompter.) Now, he’s saying that we’re wonderful because of Haiti. Granted, we’re doing some great stuff there, but I don’t think that has anything to do with him or his decisions.

“America must always stand on the side of freedom and human dignity. Always.” (Unless it was the last administration, of course.) Now, he cites the Constitution, as if he gives a s*** about that rag scrap of paper… Strengthened punishment of ‘hate’ crimes. Will repeal laws against gays in the military. The military brass seems unimpressed while the yes-men go wild. Women’s rights. Crowd goes wild. NOW we’re going to enforce immigration. NOW we are. That hasn’t been at the top of the Left’s agenda, but NOW we’re going there.

*Talking about ‘American’ values.* I’m not the only one that doubts his sense of ‘American’ values, am I? Careful ragging on the lobbyists, ‘Bama! Some of them are in your cabinet! “Not everyone believes…” We can change when we deliver YOU to the border! Now, he’s talking about doing what’s best for the next generation. Heh. He’s funny. I wonder if he knows how funny he is… We’re going back to the setbacks of American families this year. Hey Barry, I’ll trade you! I bet I could do a better job than you are! Let’s see if you could do what I am. *Tear-jerking stories and inspirational bromides about us as Americans*

“You don’t quit, and I don’t quit!”

“And God bless the United States of America!”

CONCLUSION -

I’m not sure he actually said anything there. –well, if you read between the lines, some of it had to do with cold-sweats after that election in Mass. I dunno. The talking heads are talking, the yes-men are yessing, and the politicians are politicing now. I kind of think that American Idol was more of an investment than what I just watched. I’m kind of impressed with the way my keyboarding has come along. Even with his fast-talking I think I could have actually transcribed it live if I had really wanted to. Maybe I should try to get a job for court transcription or something. Maybe I should run for office. All the politicians made it, and I think I’ve got a whole lot more to offer than the vast majority of those.

GODWIN’S LAW -

Anybody notice that David Axelrod kind of looks like Adolf Hitler? He ought to go with a shorter haircut and lose the mustache. Maybe I should go into business giving makeovers to politicians. So. Many. Possibilities. I think I’ll stick with the holster gig for now… G’nite, all!

Last week I wrote about the horrid, pizza-pocket-ish things that I have in the freezer at work. There is but one of these things left, and I can’t bring myself to eat it today. If I weren’t so cheap, I would have pitched the whole box a long time ago. I don’t know exactly how many came in the box, but it feels like a zillion. I did eat one yesterday, and here’s the funny part: We had pizza for dinner last night. These microwavable lunches are so un-pizza-like that they don’t even make me not want pizza. I’m sorry, but that’s just weird. So here I am, not eating lunch yet again. Meh.

It’s been far too long since I last went shooting. I really wish that I had the time and money to have a good range session at least once a week, but unfortunately that’s not really an option right now. I really want to get in some good, outdoor target practice. It’s been since Halloween that we last got to do that! If this year’s seasonal patterns work the way I think they will, we should have some pretty mild weather in January, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. There’s nothing quite like shooting at plastic bottles across a ~200-yard hollow. Just for fun, here’s a satellite view of the place in question (thanks to Google Maps):

Sometimes we set up at the North end of the field and shoot South. Other times, we’ll reverse that. There’s plenty of room to set up multiple targets for different drills, we’ve shot clays there, and there’s a decent enough stretch for rifle target shooting. Now, I’m making myself want to go right now! Next year, I fully expect to shoot a deer or two in that very place. But, I digress.

We now have less than two weeks until Christmas. Back in September or October, we pretty well decided what we were going to do for Christmas presents. We decided that we were going to have a gunny Christmas. We planned on getting an AirForce Edge for The Kiddo, as he’s really gotten into his air rifles. Jenni has been lusting after a Beretta Px4 Storm DAO in .45ACP. I was planning on getting a Saiga 12 in the whole deal. (And no, I would not name it Abomination.) We set up a budget, and started cramming our savings to make this happen. It would have been really fun, and we would have had a trip out to the farm immediately – possibly even Christmas afternoon – to try out the new goodies, but alas…

It was apparently not meant to be. There was the $360.00 incident with the cat’s tail, and several other (albeit smaller), unexpected expenses that I won’t bore you with that simply busted our budget. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not a bad thing, but still a disappointment. Kiddo will get an air rifle, but it will probably have to wait until his birthday. I think we’re going to get him a new bike for Christmas instead. They’re quite a bit cheaper. As for the two of us, we’ll get each other smaller, simpler presents for now, and maybe we can get each other the romantic gifts of firearms for Valentine’s Day or something.

I’ve been able to cite this disappointment as a valuable lesson to Kiddo concerning appropriate expression of disappointment, i. e. as upset as I was over the deal, I didn’t throw a fit. That’s been really good for his developing mind, and that in and of itself is worth more than a couple of new guns. Plus, it’s wonderful to be in a place in life were we aren’t living so beyond our means that we can’t deal with life’s little emergencies. There have been plenty of times that such financial demands would have put me straight into a panic. “How will we be able to buy groceries if the cat has to get stitches?” – and that sort of thing. Thank God, we aren’t there now!

My employment status is kind of on a knife edge right now, but I’m only slightly worried about that. I know that I could quickly go back to work, and we have survived on far less than Jenni’s current income in the past. Honestly, if I were really worried, I’d already have a different job by now. The fact of the matter is, although it wouldn’t be fun, the worst-case scenario is really not all that daunting. And, there are a lot of people that don’t have it nearly as good. As weird as it may sound, I’m actually thankful for the disappointment and the bumps in the road, as I’m glad that I got my lot in life as opposed to someone else’s.

So, I guess that’s about it for now. Maybe I’ll take that last frozen pizza pocket thingy to the farm and shoot it. Kind of two birds with one stone, you know?

Last night, I made a lovely, Manhattan-style clam chowder. That is, I made a version of it, as it struck me to make it yesterday. The family ranted and raved about it, and I fully expect to make that recipe again. There was enough that we all had a good-sized bowl full, I had a second helping, and Jenni took what was left for lunch today.

Although I love to cook delicacies for my friends and family, I’m simply too cheap to feed myself well for lunch. I bought a box of off-brand pizza pockets that I’ve been nursing for several weeks now (when I even bother to eat lunch). If I don’t nuke them for a full two minutes, they’re still cold in the middle. When they reach the two-minute mark, they vomit some of their filling out the ends. These things are so terrible that they can’t stand themselves!

The crust is hard and dry at the edges, and tough and doughy in the middle. The filling is an unidentifiable, homogeneous mixture of something tomato-paste-like and something cheese-like. There are random globs of something that I choose to believe is sausage interspersed through this solution. And then, there is some kind of mystery grease that floats on top of the goo that remains nuclear hot even after everything else has cooled. This grease refuses to stay in the pocket, and erupts onto my fingers and chin like some kind of trans-fat volcano on a hellish, artificial food planet.

Yummy. The really sad part is that it would be easy enough to deliberately make enough food in the evenings that there would be enough leftovers for both of us to take to work. And, I know that Jenni would gladly send the leftovers to work with me instead of taking them herself, but for whatever reason, I’d prefer that she got that, and I seem to stay perfectly happy eating my mystery pizza pockets.

For a time, I made it a point to take myself out to lunch at least once a week. I’m just not one of those people that can do that every day. At six to eight bucks a plate, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, that comes out to $1,820.00! I simply refuse to pay eighteen-hundred dollars for lunch in a year! The one outing a week arrangement is way easier for me to justify. But, I’ve fallen out of that habit for some reason, and I’m really not sure why. I really should give some more thought to bringing leftovers. It would certainly be better than my cardboard pizza thingies.

This year, we had an intimate Thanksgiving. I dreaded it. But, it turned out to be one of the the most special Thanksgivings in my memory. As it was a small gathering (just the three of us, and Beej), we had a small spread. I started preparing food on Wednesday evening and worked on the feast all day on Thursday. It’s amazing that after all those hours of preparation, we were finished eating after about ten minutes. It was still worth it. I’m glad that I’m not constantly cooking like that, but on occasion, I’ll gladly rise to the challenge. And, I’m not going to take all the credit, either.

On Wednesday, I started thawing the duckling, simmering the giblets and neck in Chianti and water with eel meat and juice, and boiling a collection of turkey skin and bones to make a load of turkey stock. I made sure to turn off the fire before we went to bed so I wouldn’t reduce these to ash, like the last time I attempted to make turkey stock. (That was a bad, bad thing…) I cleaned and cut the potatoes as well. Thursday morning, I was skinning and sectioning the duckling to go into the marinade, and perfecting sauces.

Of course, I’m a sucker for raw vegetables, so we had our selection with ranch dressing. The raw veggies weren’t quite as fresh as I would have liked, but they were still a good addition to the culinary pieces.

As for cooked veggies, we selected two yellow squash and two zucchinis that I cut into <1/8-inch slices and two bell peppers, one yellow, one red, that I cut into about 1/4-inch slices. The thought was that I wanted the squash to cook quickly, and I wanted the peppers to remain crisp. We melted 2-tablespoons of bacon grease and half a stick of butter into a pan, and Jenni sauteed them until the squash was just barely translucent.

We boiled 5-lbs of red potatoes with the skins on. I don’t believe in removing perfectly good skin from potatoes unless they have so much dirt and grit on them that it can’t be avoided. The Kiddo smashed the potatoes with 1-tablespoon bacon grease, a stick of butter, and a splash of heavy whipping cream.

I had never actually made gravy before yesterday, but Jenni helped me – a lot. The gravy we made for the potatoes consisted of 1-tablespoon of bacon grease (detecting a pattern?), 1-quart of our turkey stock (there was another gallon and a half that we bagged and froze), duck neck meat, about 1-cup heavy whipping cream, and organic flour. It took about 1.5-teaspoons kosher salt and a generous helping of fresh-ground pepper to finish it up.

The duckling itself was my crowning achievement for the meal. I brined the bird for about 16-hours prior to any other preparation. As I wrote above, I skinned and sectioned it, saving the fat for rendering at a later date. I put the sections into a vacuum bag and marinated them in Konig Hoven Quadrupel ale for about six hours. The pieces were smoked with fruitless mulberry wood. For the sauce, I continued simmering the above-mentioned concoction of chianti, water, neck and giblets, and eel. I removed the solids (fed the entrails to the dog and cats, and saved the neck meat for the gravy), and continued simmering the juice with the addition of 1-tablespoon of raw sugar, 1-teaspoon kosher salt, and 1-cup of Konig Hoven Quadrupel. Once the flavors had blended nicely, I thickened the sauce with corn starch. Once the meat came off the grill, I drizzled this exquisite sauce over the top.

It was quite lean, and very flavorful!

To wash it down, we had Bogle Old Vine Zinfandel (except The Kiddo who had milk), which we had regulated to the perfect serving temperature in holes drilled in a +60-lb chunk of sandstone. We served in Riedel ‘O’ Syrah tumblers after briefly decanting. (Beej tends to have bad luck with glasses, and we thought using stems would tempt disaster.)

Beej brought some excellent cheesecake brownies for dessert, which we drizzled with dark chocolate syrup. Kiddo and I decided to make chocolates earlier in the day. We started with Ghirardelli 100% cacao bar. We sweetened it with raw sugar that Kiddo powderized by mortar and pestle. On his suggestion, we flavored the chocolates with Spanish saffron.

It really was an outstanding meal, and well worth the work involved. Everything was perfect. We shall see what happens for Christmas, but I’ve really raised the bar for New Year’s Eve…

I’m thankful for…

God’s Grace
My beautiful wife
My wonderful son
Great friends
Wonderful blog readers
Struggles to keep me limber and…
Closure to bad situations (even if not all of them)
Life’s promise of brighter times
The snoring dog in my Heywood Wakefield lounge chair (she’s loud)
Kitty antics
Great food (pics to follow)
Intimacy
My talents
America, Freedom and Liberty
Living in Oklahoma
Shooting sports and my guns
My crappy house with its plumbing and wiring problems
Being employed
My Nissan

I am so very, very blessed. Thank you, God!

So, when I posted about our Halloween weekend camp out and shoot out, I promised pics. I was going to do this yesterday, but with the shiny objects and all, it just didn’t happen. So, without further delay…

The weather was beautiful! It’s pretty difficult to argue with a warmer than normal, Oklahoma Fall afternoon!

The moon was out, and the sky was clear and blue.

My parents even got in on the action!

Kiddo had fun spinning his glow stick on a string.

It looked like so much fun that I had to give it a try!

Yes, I am just about that goofy in real life.

The next morning, we shot clays.

And, shot clays.

And then…

I love shooting clays!

Sunday was arguably a prettier day than Saturday. It was the perfect weather for shooting.

My sis-in-law didn’t shoot much, but I know that she hit at least one with her single-shot .410. It is debated whether she hit more than that. I think she did. Either way, I think that’s braggable.

Here’s me, sending clay birdies to hell! Muahahahahahaaaa!

And, that’s about all we’ve got for now, as the other cameras that were there haven’t produced photos yet… Maybe I’ll be able to add some more when I get them.

This just popped into my head the other day. What is up with the grouping together of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, anyway? I’ve read people saying that it sounds like their favorite store, not a gubermint agency – and that’s funny, but I have a different thought.

I can have a lot of fun running a shotgun or rifle at the range with both hands, or I can have a handgun in either hand on a course that I’ve set up out in the field. I’ll shoot the targets on my right with my right hand, then I’ll shoot the targets on the left with my left hand. After I’ve had my shooty fun, cleaned and put the guns away, I can sit out in the evening with a single-malt scotch in one hand and a hand-rolled maduro cigar in the other and be as happy as a pig in s**t.

If God had wanted alcohol, tobacco, and firearms to be all together, he would have given me four hands. I’m just saying.

On Monday, my wife wrote an entry concerning a little bill that the Senate just passed. There seems to be a lot of mixed emotions in our society concerning smoking. Although I’ve heard a lot of uproar from the smoking community about this bill, I don’t see the harm. It actually seems pretty toothless as I read it. You can read the bill yourself to decide what you think about it, but for our purposes here, I’m going to reference the summary published by the Associated Press thirteen hours ago. They lay out the provisions of the bill as follows:

_ Creates a tobacco control center within the FDA and gives the FDA authority to regulate the content, marketing and sale of tobacco products to protect public health.

Alright. That could be good or bad. As it stands, the tobacco companies are already controlled on these standards to a pretty strict degree. It sounds as if there’s no more than a shift of control.

_ Requires tobacco companies and importers to reveal all product ingredients and seek FDA approval for any new tobacco products.

So, there will have to be an ingredient list on the side of your pack of cigarettes? That actually sounds like a good thing to me. With the stuff I like to smoke, that ingredient list will likely read “tobacco.”

_ Allows the FDA to change tobacco product content to protect the public health.

‘Change tobacco product content?’ As long as there’s still tobacco in it, I predict it will still sell and be enjoyed by many.

_ Bans the use of flavors, including candies and fruit flavors, in tobacco products.

Aw, snap! There goes Prime Times and Swisher Sweets! Then again, I’m not sure if those products have any actual tobacco in them so this bill may not apply.

_ Aims to prevent sales to minor by requiring direct, face-to-face transactions between retailer and consumers. Limits advertising that could attract young smokers.

…because, seriously! Little kids freely buying smokes is an epidemic problem in today’s world! You know, this might be a worthy thing to legislate if it weren’t already illegal. How long ago were they forced to do away with Joe Camel for the same reasons? It looks as though this is a pretty universally legislated deal at the state and local levels. This merely preempts local laws with Federal. Seriously, this is not 1957, and why do they always try to make illegal stuff more illegal? Is it out of fear or what? It’s no secret where I stand on the issue of children smoking. Even so, it does not seem like a present enough problem to further legislate. If you have stories of children buying smokes at the corner store in your neighborhood, please do share. I’m not aware of any in recent history.

_ Strengthens warning labels.

Because you know that will affect the flavor or draw of your smokes. Or, do they mean using a physically stronger material with the Surgeon General’s warning printed on it? That would stiffen up the pack nicely and protect your smokes better! We’ve already learned to ignore that crap, so what’s the big deal?

_ Bars the use of expressions such as “light, “mild” or “low” that give the impression that a tobacco product poses less of a health risk.

This is the biggest clue that it’s liberal legislation – changing the semantics. If they perceive that the language might be wrong, they will change the language altogether. This goes for if you are describing race/ethnicity, the status on someone’s disabilities, or describing the idea that the climate of the Earth may or may not undergo change over long periods of time, either naturally or not, in a straight line or as a matter of cycle. Frankly, I think that we should all just say it like it is. If that offends you, get over it. So, there won’t be ‘light,’ ‘mild,’ or ‘low.’ I like what The Onion has to say about it.

_ Establishes user fees on tobacco companies to pay for the new regulations.

The tobacco companies have been forced to pay for stuff for ages now. This is no different. Frankly, I can’t really disagree with taxes on luxury items. If they were taxing the crap out of necessities, I would have different things to say about it. But, we’re talking about TOBACCO! If you don’t want to pay the taxes, simply QUIT SMOKING!!

And finally, we get to the crown jewel of the bill:

_ Prevents the FDA from banning nicotine or tobacco products.

Heh, heh, heh. Checkmate, baby! The bill actually reads that the Senate will have the sole power to ban tobacco by vote. They (they the government, that is) have been trying to ban tobacco for ages! This bill actually makes tobacco safer from extinction than it has been since the natives were smoking it in peace pipes!

I don’t believe that tobacco is nearly as dangerous as we are led to believe. Not even the NCI has the slanted stats to back it up. You may agree or disagree with me as you see fit on that point. Regardless, in a nutshell, this bill will:

1. Take steps towards removing urea, formaldehyde, and other tobacco additives that don’t belong there anyway, and hold the tobacco manufacturers accountable to their customers.

2. Eliminate ’sweetened’ (IMHO ‘garbage’) tobacco products, and make it more illegal to sell tobacco to kids.

3. Change the semantics on the pack, so you will better understand that smoking is bad for you.

4. Raise the price of tobacco – I’m honestly not thrilled about that one.

5. Keep tobacco from becoming contraband.

I just feel like there are bigger things to worry about right now.

When I was a teenager, my brother and I developed a Christmas tradition of having dinner with our in-town friends at whatever local restaurant. The way this came about is that we traditionally had a Christmas Eve dinner with my parents, and made the family circuit on Christmas Day. On the night of Christmas, everything was always so anti-climactic that we started this. We would go to cheap, sit-down places (we were kids with very little money) and just have a great time. On such a night, we went into Denny’s and found our table. Our server, a very nice immigrant student, came to our table.

“I hope you are all having a Merry Christmas,” he said in a hard accent. We assured him that we were.

My brother commented in his teenage surliness, “Do you ever get any Jews in here that get offended by that?”

“Oh, yes,” replied our server, “We have orange, apple, and grapefruit.”

I was certain, as I am to this day, that all of their juices were quite offended by Christmas.

It was an interesting weekend that made me think about many things. Although I would like to break this one up into more than one post, that’s just not going to happen. From Friday evening to last night constituted one of the more bizarre and yet delightful weekends that I can easily recall.

Nearly a year ago, on June 19, 2008, I received my letter from OSBI telling me to come in and get my weapons license. I wrote about it on my blog the next day. At the time, carrying was awkward. The gun was heavy, the holster was crappy, and I felt like a young teenager who could not hide what felt like a brand-new, huge protrusion. In the same vein, it felt like everyone was staring right at it, and like I could not possibly wear enough clothing to cover it. Also in the same comparison, I didn’t quite know how to use the equipment optimally. Since then, I’ve become more comfortable with carrying and shooting, through practice and training. I ditched the cheap holster for one of my own design and craftsmanship which turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in the world of CCW. I became proficient shooting with both hands or either hand alone and added a twin to my carry. I’ve drilled in defensive shooting, and developed skills that I didn’t know I was lacking. Over the last year, I’ve become far more aware of my surroundings as I go about my daily life, always looking for the advantage, keeping my eyes on entrances and exits, sizing up other individuals as possible friends or foes. At this point, I’m safer without my gun than I was fully-armed when I first started carrying. That is to say that there may be times that I leave my gun behind, but I am never unarmed. What I have gained in my pursuit of defense has started to turn me into the weapon that I’m supposed to be. It’s not at all that I was defenseless before, but now I know far better how to avoid the fight, or quickly end it if I need to.

On Friday evening, Jenni and I decided to go to our monthly wine share event that we had not attended in several months. This is a charming event that roams around our home town. Lots of locals come, each with a bottle of wine, and mingle while sipping. It’s a great way to meet new friends and potential network contacts. In the state of Oklahoma, the law reads that it is illegal to have access to a firearm while ‘under the influence of alcohol.’ In practice, what this amounts to is that you should not be in the same room with an open container and a firearm. So, when we went to our wine share, we unloaded and locked away our guns prior to the event.

Over the course of the evening, we met several people that were a lot of fun – great conversationalists. I wound up talking about art and fashion with another young man there. His girlfriend had dragged him, kicking and screaming, and then he got to see what a fun get together it actually was. He commented on the jacket I was wearing and asked where I had bought it. This was an Armani that I purchased on eBay. I was wearing it primarily to cover my empty holsters, as I didn’t really want the conversations to go that direction on this particular evening. Fred had a hard time believing that I had paid so little for the designer label jacket, and asked if I had to have it tailored or anything. By the time our wine share was winding down, Fred asked Jenni and I to go to a party with the two of them, to another friend’s house. I thought it sounded like great fun, so away we went.

The hostess was a charming immigrant who knew what a meal is supposed to be. There were grilled chicken and beef kabobs, potato slices baked with onions, and countless, delicious vegetables and cheeses. Let me stop to preface here: I don’t usually eat much for breakfast, but Jenni and I had made a stop on the way to work. Lunch was provided by the office, and I took the opportunity to really load up on pizza, in anticipation of having wine before dinner. Then, they broke out cake and ice cream at work to celebrate a few office birthdays. Needless to say, I was not terribly hungry after wine share. Even so, I picked around at a skewer and a few potato slices and a couple of green beans. The people seemed nice, and flirtation among the group was rising. I didn’t think a whole lot about that as I thought they were simply feeling their alcohol. Things started to seem strange to me right about the time that Jenni leaned over to whisper in my ear under the noise of the party. She said that the hostess had just told her in French that after the food, we were going to get in the pool, and swimsuits were not allowed. I looked around the crowd with a whole new… …er… …appreciation. Actions that I had written off as harmless enough started looking sinister. Don’t get me wrong – whatever consenting adults wanted to do in their own time is none of my business, but I felt like we were being roped into a swinger’s party. I don’t know if that was true or not, but we didn’t stick around to find out! We pulled the whole ‘Woah, would you look at the time!’ bit and made our way towards the front door, vaguely back-to-back. We thanked the hostess for her hospitality and complimented the meal. Fred met us on our way out, and we told him that it was about time we turned in. Much to my relief, he made no protest and we got out cleanly.

Now – as I said before, I don’t know what was going to happen after that, and I don’t really care. It’s got nothing to do with me, and we controlled the situation to make sure of that. Had we not been as aware of our surroundings as we now are, the story could have been very different. If our suspicions were correct, what does that say about Fred, who gave no indication of the nature of this party? I personally want to believe that everyone is good at their core, and worthy of the benefit of doubt. It will not be the first time for me to say that I hope the worst-case-scenario is not the true one, but we also didn’t stick around to find out. Just like a game of chess, one must play several moves ahead to stay out of danger and make the win without a serious fight.

Friday night, comfortably at home, we laughed off the evening, had a drink just the two of us, watched some TV and went to bed.

Saturday morning, we went to the range. It was way too hot and windy to try the farm, and the mosquitoes, ticks, and poison ivy are out of control this year. It pains me to say that I don’t see myself spending much time out there prior to Fall. I still wasn’t hungry, but felt like I should eat something before shooting, so I had a turkey sandwich at the range cafe. We each went through about one hundred handgun rounds and fifty shotgun shells. The two of us split one hundred rounds in our new Ruger 10/22. My handgun shooting was a little off, but not as much as I was afraid it would be following our bizarre evening. My rifle marksmanship was predictably deadly, if not a little high on the target. Jenni complained of the same. I would have attempted to adjust the elevation, but we are about to replace the sights, so I didn’t really see the point of adjusting for the time being. We saw one of the new, Colt, .22-caliber AR’s. We also saw several very nice old pieces of history including a Winchester 92 in 44/40 and a Springfield trap door! Apparently, someone was settling an estate.

There was an NRA instructor course taking place, and we had the opportunity to meet a man who has a great story behind him. The legend goes that this gentleman was a pilot in the military at one point in time. After retirement, he was on a plane that had an accident. The plane was literally ripped in half by some harsh weather coupled with a pilot error. This gentleman was ejected from the plane, seat and all, and found himself making a rapid descent into the mountains from thousands of feet in the air! His training took over, and he unstrapped from the seat only to realize that he had no parachute. Plan-B was to attempt to steer his body to the softest looking spot in the mountains. This resulted in his survival with broken arms and legs, broken ribs, and missing teeth. Even with his injuries, he made his way back to the wreckage of the plane and gathered up survivors. He put them in the remains of the fuselage as the only shelter available, and assessed the situation. He determined that he was in better shape than any one else present despite his condition, so he walked several miles to the nearest town for help. “You hear that clanging sound when he walks,” my friend Will said, “Those are his brass balls.” Yeah. I’ll say.

After the range, we went to the house of a couple that sings in the church choir with Jenni. They were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary and wanted everyone to come over for cake and margaritas. Upon arrival, Jenni was drafted to take pictures. A .38 shell fell out of the cuff of her jacket, and the host snatched it off the floor before it could bounce a second time. (I had wondered where that shell had gone when I was collecting our spent brass at the range.) This obviously led to shooty conversations. I had a great time talking to them and their family. A girl in the family, a niece or something, kept talking about the medical powers of various metals and crystals. I don’t believe in the mystical properties of crystals, but I do know of the medical properties of magnets. I try to avoid those suckers like the plague as I’m over-sensitive to them. The magnetic bracelets, shoe inserts, etc. make me hurt in quick order! I realize that there are probably a lot of people who would think I was full of crap for saying so. So, when I hear someone talking earnestly about something that I think is hooey, I usually laugh quietly to myself and keep my mouth shut. I don’t know everything, after all. We now have a pending date to go skeet shooting with the host couple. I’m really excited as I’ve never shot skeet before! I’ll probably bring my house gun along although I suspect I’ll wind up shooting something else. I still wasn’t hungry, but I did have a piece of cake. I paced myself, having two margaritas over the course of the two or three hours that we were there.

After the anniversary party, we went to Jenni’s parent’s house to pick up our kiddo and have dinner. We had sandwiches. I still wasn’t very hungry, but had a small sandwich and some chips. We watched one of those stupid tabloid shows where they show the dark, dark secrets of the celebrities. Most of them were quite laugh-worthy, as I would have expected, but there was one little feature on the show that I found to be very telling. They did a short concerning the marriage of the Obama’s. It strikes me as interesting that for the first time in history, the first couple of the U. S. is of the caliber that the tabloid shows are attracted to them. It’s pathetic actually, and quite telling that they get balled in with all the hollow-headed entertainers. Saturday night, we went home, laughed at the events of the day, and had a drink, just the two of us, and watched some T. V.

Sunday morning, we went to church. Especially in what has seemed to be the wake of a rash of church shootings, I find myself paying special attention to entrances, exits, and people in church. I don’t let this awareness distract me from the worship or the message, but I will not be caught unaware. I feel like God does not want me to be a victim, and He wants me to protect others if and when I am called to. Therefore, I owe it to Him to remain alert at all times – not in a state of paranoia, but always ready to do what needs to be done. This is why I felt it necessary for me to get my CPR certification as well.

Sunday afternoon, we spent with my Dad, as mom went to Cape Cod with a friend for the weekend. My brother and sister-in-law met us there. We had pizza and Dad’s delicious home-brew! We gave them updates on our strange weekend and had some smokes and some good laughs. As evening drew, the three of us continued home. We cut the kiddo’s hair, and mine as well. I’m becoming a fan of the #2 clipper guard. I told our son that he is welcome to wear his hair in any longer style of his choice once he is consistently making responsible independent hygiene choices. I’m not stressed out about that. He’s a ten-year-old boy, afterall! The three of us watched some cartoons and he ate dinner. Once he went to bed, Jen and I watched some Terminator and had a drink, just the two of us. When we shut off the T. V., we talked and laughed about all the crap and great times that we had had over the weekend. The two of us skipped dinner last night, and my appetite seems to have returned to normal.

Michael’s morals of the story:

1. Remain attentive. Very little is ever as it seems at a first glance. Some thing turn out to be better and some worse. If you are going to see the true nature of anything, you will have to be observant. This will often allow you to avoid potentially bad situations instead of trying to figure out how to get out of one you are stuck in. Often for me that comes down to shutting up and listening.

2. Gunnies are generally the best people you are likely to ever meet. There are great and wonderful people in many divisions, subcultures and walks in life, but the organized shooting community seems to have an unusually high concentration of the most upstanding, admirable people you are likely to cross paths with.

3. The secret to a long and happy marriage – laugh a lot and set aside time for just the two of you as often as possible. Enjoy friends in common and watch each other’s backs. Definitively set up your common boundaries against outside forces and do not let them get compromised. Enjoy great food and drinks together, but not to excess. Never drink enough to affect your actions or your speech. Love your kids, but love each other slightly more. Don’t let the kids come between you. The best love you can show your children is to love their mom or dad more than any one else on the planet. Spend time with God, individually, as a couple, and as a family.

And, this rant is officially over.